Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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