Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
