I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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