I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
