think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Randomize
