he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
