Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
