yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
