I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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