why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
