I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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