You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize