so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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