im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
