if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
