I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I need help removing her.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
