she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The adults are the big ones right?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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