What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
This is my gift to your gina
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I did not marry a roomba.
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