I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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