absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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