o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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