I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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