He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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