I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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