No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
