were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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