I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
