He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
did i just pee glitter
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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