So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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