So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
