I queefed so loud it echoed.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
