Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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