Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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