you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
