happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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