i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
