life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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