i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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