The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Randomize
