the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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