dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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