Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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