Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
