My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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