someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
