My sheets look like a crime scene.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
