At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
