my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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