i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
