Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
