Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
