So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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