So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
