why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
