remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize