JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
