i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
