never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
im holly from the hills drunk
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
We have started to decorate penises.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
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