what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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