Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
