a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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