I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
