ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Randomize
