I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
