how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
