I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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