I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
