I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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