Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
