She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
