First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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