Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
