I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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