Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Randomize
