Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
