Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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